The Inevitable Taste of Truth

I smoked tonight and I shouldn’t have. And because its my last night in the country, I am leaving this home for a different one. I smoked some wicked ass pot that sent my head flying dizzy for a while. I stood my ground on the back porch and watched as my mind wrestled with itself over ridiculous ideas. Ghosts and demons ranging from yesterday all the way back to childhood came. I brought them. I brought them all.

Lately I’ve been experiencing the angina symptoms. I’m going through my mind trying to figure out what brought it on, and it’s been bugging me tremendously. It’s possible that there has just been way too much stress going on inside. I feel that I somehow sort of set my self back. It’s interesting how the popping and the slight gives will release the tension that I feel. Though I know this will pass, I cured it before. But, fuck, to be quite honest, it scares the living shit out of me sometimes.

I kept thinking about death and dying. I remember certain people looking at me like they knew something. Maybe i am just too parranoid.

Or maybe its God’s way of reminding me that I need to continue my path, path, path….my conjunctive path to holism, to that place I need to be. Or maybe I am God answering my own prayers.

I saw and felt many wondrous things this evening. I just continued on and on, working between body and mind, once over and back and forth and all over the deep recesses of mind, perpetually shifting gears into new states of thinking. I realized how much fear I had. I realized how much of it came at me, so quickly. I always hated the pot that makes my heart race. Maybe this is a lesson to me.

Glimpses of the Tao. I saw that much. I was feeling and moving, and blowing the fuck out of my mind. My mind overtook me, like there were two of us battling for control. And then I overtook my mind. I realized how the body is a useful vessel for steering the mind. Tragic and wreckless, beautiful and weird. I had no form other than the random flow coming out of me. My universe was moving in waves and I was moving in waves. I was going fast when I felt my mind starting to race. Then when my body needed a rest-at the slight point where I started to feel myself breathing a little too hard-I slowed down. And at some of those times when I was slowing down I slowed into a river of rhythm.

At one point, I was standing and I felt my body relax and melt. My head stretched to heaven, and I let go of everything. Everything except me dripped. I was NOT even standing, just planted in the ground.  And then I just felt flowing goodness- ah fuck – flowing motherfucking wholesome goodness dripping down my spine. A wave of energy rolled down my back or up my back or something. I don’t know for sure. And I was pouring out energy. A glowing and resonant Mandelbrot of energy. First time ever I felt that kind of release.  A glimpse maybe.

But there was a price to pay. It was too much for me to handle. I constantly felt tightness wrapping around my insides. And it was a constant struggle. I was both Sapien and Serpent, both switching and continuing simultaneously. My heart rate stayed high for a while. It sucked. A current of bad vibe was hitting me hard and I couldn’t stop it.

I chose that path and took that risk.  Although a proper description eludes me, I only know it must have been necessary for me to continue on my path. Just I and myself and a dark night to play with existence.

I am weak. I am human, an animal planting my stake in the world of life, wondering why I am here. Why am I here?  What is my potential?

And here I sit as I write I feel it fading away. I feel the slow sauce of that scary wisdom dripping off the back of my skull.

Some of us have sidewalks and skateboards and parks and trees and flowers – and we never know it. Breeze through the merriment of life, you dumb young children and let the beauty never find you.

Some have jungles and snakes and wild adventures with mad cries of enslavement, the soul twists and plays the erotic battle dance screaming from within, “Know Thyself.”

To those who see the heart in all its brambling glory
Only for it's adaptive nature
Whether hard or sweet
              tranquil or bitter
              sour or lonely,
To those, it is that nature which provides the unfortunate ones with cloudy eyes,
Disdain and, at times
Torture.
To those who see the heart in others for its true essence,
They are the ones who fornicate with happiness.
In Gentle reflecting serenity.

今天我在医院里等父亲做手术治疗。同时跟妈妈阿姨聊一下天。我们说到政治。除了一个候选人，我们觉得总统候选人都是骗人。　我真不知道。可是，除非大家意见一致，我们不因该讨论这个问题。　

我坐着想：“为什么医院一直非常冷。现在我还不生病，　但走出医院以前可能要感冒。”

然后妈妈和阿姨开始说到买东西，所以我就不认真听他们的讲话了。　

我的爸爸在手术治疗的时候，我好的朋友在四楼的病床上等他的左腿康复。　我到他的房间里去看了他。在房间有两个人，一个人是护士还有一个人是实习生。他一看见我，就给我一个微笑，然后伸出他的手紧握我的手。看起来好了很多。

他说：“哦，杰生，你好吗？”

我回答：　“很好，你好吗？”

他说：“越来越好，你看，这是我的新电脑游戏机。能玩游戏 还能上网”

我回答：哦，非常好。你就不这么闷， 对吗？

他说：　对对对。

他从治疗仪器到他的臂有一条长塑料管．像一条长面条一样。

每三秒钟，啤，啤, 一滴药水从仪器出来进到他身体里去事情。

因为他九月中间他在骑摩托车着坏了。不过他侥幸，不然可能会更糟。可是，因为医院的医生不是那么聪明，他判断错了，告诉我的朋友，你能走了，回家吧。我的朋友那时应该做手术治疗了，但是他怎么知道，这是医生的决定。 所以，他的左腿有问题。

 我跟朋友聊一下天后就下楼了。进去侯症室看见我的妈妈和阿姨还等着。然后我流鼻涕了。我想找一张纸巾。我走了一会才找到了一张纸巾。哦，觉得很好。开好就擤鼻涕了。擤完鼻涕，我一看纸巾才看见我把我的头发粘在纸上了，因为我的头发相当长。

 哦，我尻！
不好，不好，非常不好，怎么办？

两天前我从书店往家走。在路上觉得应该在商店停一下买点儿喝的吃的东西，因为饿了。开着车看见一家商店， 所以进去买了一瓶可乐还有一盒薯片，然后付钱上路。

 我开了可乐，喝了一口精神一振。一打开薯片就闻到香味。然后我开始流口水

 我开着车喝可乐吃薯片。那时真高兴。

二十分钟后已经吃了半盒薯片了。

 吃着吃着,不知道为什么我倒吸了一口气. 一块小薯片吸进气管. 差点把我呛死.  我用力地盘。

然后我的嗓子疼，咳嗽得眼球都快蹦出来．好像我差点尿了一点在裤子上。我止住咳嗽，深吸了一口气，放松自己，开始慢慢地开车。我知道嗓子里还有一块薯片。

 我再清了清嗓子，像猪发出的声音一样。可是那块东西来。我把手指塞进嗓子里找，还是找不到。我一直开着车，咳嗽直到回到家。

进了家，想想怎么办，去厨房找到一瓶酒，打开后喝了一口。咳嗽得更厉害。啊！疼死了。我再清了清嗓子。我觉得很困扰，不想死，不过嗓子里还有那小块东西。

 我有了另一个想法，我看见一盒烟，把一支烟从盒子拿出来后放嘴里找或火机．最后找到火，点了一支烟。 然后我吸了一口，还继续咳嗽。

我的嗓子里面还有什么东西．我不知到怎么办。

 过了45分钟还不能解决这个问题．咳嗽咳嗽。

 然后记得我还饿呢还没吃完了。所以我把那盒子拿起来，把一快薯片拿出来托在手掌上看着．对它说：我饿死了，我要吃你，千万别给我麻烦啊．我在看它，它看着我．

 我慢慢地小心地把这块薯片放在我嘴里面含着它心想：啊好吃好吃。
我咀嚼了一下，等了一会儿，咀嚼．　然后张开嘴吸一口气，一块其他的小薯片吸进气管。

 突然间, 有差点呛死。

咳嗽咳嗽。我上身往前倾斜着／了再咳嗽。现在两块薯片在嗓子里？！

 跪在地上，我的嘴大极地开，舌头快要碰到地板, 好象要吐，一口气都不能吸。

 啊？这样的死我真不想！

 最后用力咳嗽了一下。　两块东西飞出来，象飞机降落一样了．

 哈哈，　我看看那两块薯片。想，嗓子里没有东西了啊。

It becomes increasingly aware to me that people, at least in my country, do not care about truth. They only seem to care about what fits their world view. It is an interesting notion that truth should actually have any value, something that seems so far removed.

We have become so engrossed with political rhetoric that it often takes over our lives completely and fashions a structure of perspective that cares not whether any case is actually true, but rather how it helps or hurts my argument. It seems to me that the average person takes a particular kind of approach: "If something tends to detract from my view, then I simply discard it, but if it helps reinforce my thinking, then it is of great value."  This is dangerous.

Yes, to some degree we all do it, but when war, poverty, racism, equality, and health depend on it, it becomes dangerous. I was recently in a discussion with a Christian who thinks that torture is admissable and viable, considering that the people who were being tortured were criminals and terrorists. How can this logic be justified?  How can this be remotely justified?

If Jesus was here today, would he torture people, even if they were terrorists?  How can you call yourself a Christian and advocate torture?

Secondly, for the most part, if we knew someone was a criminal or guilty of terrorism, why would we need to torture them in the first place? Are there really people in the world that so good a judge of character that they decide who is guilty before the torturing commences?  Really?

If torture works, then why can't we put some politicians to the test?  Any takers? Any of you congressmen willing to put your balls on the line, so once and for all we can find out the real "truth" about torture.

I am saddened by the ever-increasing ignorance that is proliferating my comrades and country persons. Saddened. 

It saddens me to know that people will gladly dismiss agony and suffering of others as a means to Peace. Peace. Peace.